The 5 Stages

In a little under two weeks, I will be married. During this long journey to the alter, my mind has gone through a series of thoughts, and my heart, a number of feelings. Each experience has left me with new lessons learned and memories not soon forgotten. I have been able to summarize them as being five stages, excitement, anticipation, overwhelmed, fear, and happiness.

On July 26, 2008, it will have been 16 months between the time I proposed and the time we say "I do." Emily and I have been through a lot together these past 16 months and I dare say more than our 4 previous years together has given us. This blog will summarize everything we went through, condensed into the five stages of our engagement.

Excitement: Emily and I got engaged on her birthday last year. I had baked her a chocolate cake and hid the ring box in a jar of dog biscuits knowing she would soon reach in there to reward our pup for doing his business outside and sparing us from cleaning it up inside. When she pulled it out and unwrapped it, I went over to where she stood, dropped on one knee, and professed my strong desire to spend the rest of my life devoted to her happiness. She was speechless (for the first time ever!) and cried and said yes. I cried and hugged her and kissed her then quickly texted everyone I knew that we had gotten engaged. She did the same. That same night, we drove to the bookstore and shared a piece of carpet leafing through wedding books. We were so excited.

The next few weeks were spent sharing the good news with everyone and imagining how we would want our wedding to look. Out of all our close friends, we had been dating the longest yet the last to be engaged. I don't think the timing was ever right up till then and I think we were wise to wait as long as we did. I was happy we didn't rush into anything and really sought our true feelings out for one another before we took the plunge.

As the summer approached, we began visiting different locals and speaking with many wedding vendors which kicked off the planning process. This also led to fierce anticipation.

Anticipation: As the clay that was our wedding began to take form, Emily and I were both becoming more and more anxious for the big day to arrive. Emily, along with her obese wedding binder had become connected at the hip and I soon learned that no matter how much you express your opinion, ultimately, the bride has the final say in every decision. Still, I was just as excited as she was to walk down the aisle and start our life together.

Your mind begins to relive past weddings you had been to and make mental notes of what you did and did not like about each one. Then you take the likes, add your own twist to it and bingo, you just came up with an original idea that will make your wedding stand out among all others. You begin to run through your list of friends and decide who you want in the wedding party. You look forward to asking those you want there and regret leaving others out. For Emily and I, we were given a dollar amount to play with and had to try to do our best to stay within those parameters. But as we found out, planning a wedding can leave one, overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed: I've heard people tell me that, "When I got married, our wedding only cost us a few hundred dollars!" "Why just 5 years ago, a plate at our wedding was only $20!" Well those days are long gone. Today, weddings are big business and costly affairs. Instances that I have detailed in past blogs blew my mind and prices vendors quoted us made my mind grapes shrivel up and die from pure shock. Unless you're lucky enough to spare no expense, every couple will struggle to pay for a wedding. You can count yourselves blessed to avoid going into debt after everything is said and done. Lucky for me, Emily is a financial wizard and kept track of every cent that was spent on the wedding. But even she could not avoid the inevitability of over spending.

A good amount of these 16 months have been spent arguing over the cost of things, deciding what we can and can not include, and exactly which bar package to pick without looking like total cheap asses. I envy those who are able to afford their dream wedding, not because I didn't get what I want out of mine, but because they didn't have to sweat over the dollars and cents of it all. It is indeed an overwhelming experience that hopefully will only be a once in a lifetime event.

Fear: Fear is of course constant in all our lives. Its what drives us to work hard, to treat each other right, to believe in what we believe, and to act the way we do in every situation. I think the fear really took hold of me around the beginning of the year. Someone asked if I could believe that this was the year I was going to get married. I guess I had not really pictured myself being married. I was focused on being with the one I loved, and planning a wedding, but the label "married" hadn't crossed my mind until then.

I suddenly became fixated on what my parents had gone though with their marriage, how damaging and sad it had been. Just think about it, my dad was 27 when he got married, the same age I would be. I believe that you are a combination of three people, your mother, your father, and one other person that touched your life. That person can be anyone, a professor, close friend, ex lover, anyone. For me it is, well I'm not going to reveal that. I have to keep some mystery about myself.

The thought of being married initially brought feelings of doubt about myself. I can't get married, I'm too immature, too selfish, too stupid, too scared to make it work. I can't end up like my parents, hating each other and fucking up their kids in the process. I started to see a lot of them in me in the way I spoke, thought, and handled myself in conflict. I guess it had always been there but now I was aware of its presents. That scared me to death. So what did I do? I lashed out at the one person who could bring sanity and civility to my life. I talked down and deliberately did stuff to piss her off. I attempted to bring her down to my level thinking it would force her to do what so many others had done in my past, which was walk away.

She didn't. Instead, she grabbed me by my rapidly graying hair, smacked me in the face, and showed me that I am my own man as well as her man. She showed me that I can be happy and can avoid the mistakes of the past. She showed me I have a better future, one free from fear.

Happiness: Today, I am happy. Despite all that has happened in our relationship, Emily and I are ready to become one. Sure there will be tough times ahead but we will deal with them together. There will be fights and tears shed but the love we have for one another will guide us through each tribulation and restore the happiness. We are together for a reason and have lasted as long as we have for a reason. There were plenty of times where we could have walked away and had even expressed a desire to do so, but we always came out of it stronger and more in love. We have survived the five stages and are ready to tackle the next stage...forever.

The kid is not my son

This is how I pass the time before the wedding...

Married Life

Emily brought something to my attention a few days ago that really got me thinking. We, along with our close friend Tim Mrock, were discussing what would change once Emily and I are officially husband and wife. In my head, there would be this dramatic shift in thinking, worlds would collide and the heavens would open up to turn my life upside down. Cold feet? No, just paranoia.

But Emily said something that put it all in perspective for me. We are already married. You see, Em and I have been living together now for a year and a half. I moved into her condo in August of 06 and to be honest, it was a leap of faith. Before that, we had been together for 3 years but had become stagnant with our relationship idling by as we watched other's progress down the road to eternity. So when we made the decision to live a joint life, it was really a sink or swim situation.

Luckily, we survived. I can honestly say it was the best decision of my life. Our relationship is by no means a perfect one. We still fight, still piss each other off, and we definitely still have a lot to learn but we also make each other happy, care deeply for one another and most importantly, visualize a future with one another.

When we finally tie the knot, we will have been together for 5 years. During that time, we have been through a lot. We both graduated university, both got big person jobs, and even broken up twice. The longest was for 5 days and it was a very miserable time. But now here we are having weathered the storms ready for whatever life hands us.

So, she is right, not much will really change. We will still live together, still pay the same bills, still fight about the same stupid shit, still have a crazy dog who thinks he's in charge, but most importantly, still love one another with all our hearts.

We don't need no stinkin' china patterns!

First off, I apologize for the delay between posts. Work and the weekends have been quite busy and my mind has not been juiced enough to comprehend complete sentences. A lot of you have been asking me when the next post will be up and I thank you for taking an interest in it. Hopefully, I can make this post a dandy.

Since the last post, Emily and I have begun to register for the shower and wedding. We decided upon Macy's and Bed, Bath and Beyond. We were a bit overwhelmed the first time we set out on the store floors with our scanner in hand. We begun at Macy's with the intentions of picking a china pattern but as the day went on, we could not decide and have yet choose one. Emily thought she found the perfect pattern but it turned out to be discontinued. Perhaps thats a sign. We were more successful at Bed, Bath and Beyond. We scanned quite a bit there and enjoyed ourselves.

I was amazed at how well you are treated when you walk into these stores and tell them you want to register. We were given top notch customer service, free gifts, entered for contests, and even were given free drinks and candy. This marriage thing is already paying off! It just goes to show how big of an industry the wedding business has become. It wasn't like this when our parents got married. But back then, people didn't know any better. I mean ruffles on the tuxes???

Our wedding invites have also been selected and will be mailed this spring. Finally, we chose a wedding band for Emily. I won't say where we got it but we did get a really good deal and she is very satisfied. She couldn't resist wearing it the day she got it.

For now it appears pretty much everything has been taken care of. We have been focused lately on looking for homes around our area. We are not planning on moving soon but it never hurts to see what's out there.

That's pretty much it for now. Thursday, March 20th is Emily's birthday so make sure you wish her the best.

Happy Easter!

It keeps goin and goin and goin...

These last three weeks have been busy ones for Emily and me but we've gotten a lot accomplished. As time winds down and the pressure mounts, I am very impressed by her ability to handle whatever comes up. This is a very stressful time for both of us but I am very pleased that we are able to get through it and still stay as close as ever. But on to the action...

When we first were kicking around ideas for the wedding, one roadblock we came to was whether to have a reverend perform the ceremony. Neither of us are religious in this stage of our life so we didn't have any connections in this area. As time went on, we discussed having a friend get ordained and perform the ceremony but the higher ups nixed that idea. Finally, in a bit of serendipitous luck, an old college friend of mine (who is in possession of 2/3 of my inner organs) suggested we look into her father, Reverend Harry Cook.

Having the great pleasure of meeting with him, we were overjoyed when learning that he shares a lot of the same beliefs we do. Everything from religious, political, social, and tastes in TV shows. We were quick to book him and check this portion off our to-do list. This was an important decision to make for me. Religion has always been an iffy subject in my life and getting a man who I respected above anything else was most important. Reverend Cook is everything I was looking for, educated, open minded, and tolerant of all personal beliefs.

Our next goal was to book a musician for the ceremony. The ceremony won't be in a church so we had to look elsewhere for la musica. We knew early on that we wanted an acoustic guitarist to play the ceremony. Emily's best friend and maid of honor, Sarah, had one at her wedding and it fit perfectly. It took us a while to find the right performer but we finally came across Robert Jones of Canton. He specializes in classical/Spanish guitar, just the type of sound we were looking for.

He invited us to his home and played some pieces he thought would be a nice fit for us. I won't name the pieces we selected but I will say they are one of a kind and will make our ceremony a unique experience for all who are there.

That is all for now. Stay tuned next time for another exciting adventure entitled,

"Do we really need a cheese slicer?"

I'm too old for a quarter-life crisis

At which age do we become too old to relate with today's youth? When does your thumbs switch off MTV for something more relatable? When do we lose track of which rapper is hip? (Who the hell is Flo rida and what on Earth is a Soulja boy?)

I recently attended a show in East Lansing, home to Michigan State University and while I was there, I was confronted by a grim reality, I'm an adult. As I took my seat and began to people watch, my eyes were greeted by a frightful sight of young, hairless, faces on well dressed young co-eds. Then I looked at myself and saw a man in his late 20s, with a receding hairline, beard stubble, wearing a ratty hoodie I bought from the GAP for 15 dollars. (One of these things is not like the other...)

I tried remembering how I viewed life when I was that age...full of optimism, anticipation, all the while care free and enjoying myself. Then I tried to remember when reality set in and the world imposed it's own views onto me, stress, responsibility, and that feeling like you're going nowhere.

For a moment there, I was ready to throw myself over the upper railings and land on some pierced, gel-atinous 19 year old wearing a North Face jacket...I think that is the standard uniforms for the kids these days.

But then I backed away from my anxiety driven jump and started thinking about all the perks that come with being an adult, respect, money (although there never seems to be enough), freedom, and love.

Now love can be attained at any age but it's not always practical. Sometimes its innocent, lustful, careless, or ignorant. Then there is the love that is true, respectful, and virtuous. That can only come to someone who has outgrown their adolescent thinking and stepped into a world of home owning and board game nights. It presents itself to someone who is ready to live for the future not someone who wants to relive the past.

I say all this because without this thinking, I would not be where I am today, with the person I share a life and goals with. I would not have the friends I have today or the insight to write these words.

In short, I'll accept the fact that I have no idea what songs play on TRL anymore or even not knowing if TRL is still on! I'm ok with no longer going through life without a care and only working to pay for my beers because I now have substance in my life and a lot more to live for...but I would take back my 19 year old hair line.

Monogamy never tasted so good!

This past weekend, we along with my soon to be in-laws hit up a small Italian bakery to test out their wonderful selections of wedding cakes. This was something I have been looking forward to for a long time and I am happy to say that the humble baker did not dissapoint.

The selections were delicious and the coffee was great. It was definetly a great way to spend a morning. As of right now, we are still undecided on which flavor to pick but we had a great time hearing from all the candidates.

That is all for now. More to come in the next week...